When I was 28, I thought I'd have pain forever. Thanks to Pilates, I’m doing swan on a bike instead.
Over 20 years ago, I was told that I’d most likely always have a limp and that the pain from my injuries might never go away—not by one professional but by MANY. Pain management, exploratory surgery and a few comments that “it could be all in your head” were thrown around and I was so depressed over it all. I had been in pain for two years and started to believe this reality truly was going to define the rest of my life.
A few weeks ago, one of my best friends came over so our kids could ride bikes. Her son was learning to ride without training wheels, so we went to the local high school to ride in the parking lot.
My girlfriend is not your typical cyclist - she is a retired professional cyclist, so I’m not surprised when she says, “Hey Carla, stay there. I’m going up this hill and I’ll ride by you with a surprise to show you my cycling core strength”.
I stand and wait, and when she comes down the hill, she’s in a full “superman” on her bike and flying down the hill.
Her core is flawless. She is amazing.
Of course this friend is a hero of mine for many reasons and I’m used to being impressed by her, yet this was a bit different. I was most impressed by the freedom she felt in her body. I thought, “I wish I could have such freedom in my body”, and it struck me that I didn’t remember ever quite feeling that way—especially when on something unstable like a bike, or worse yet, on something moving quickly or up high.
Going fast while being on wheels or skis scares me and heights terrify me.
I’ve felt like this since a fall in my 20s sent me reeling down a flight of stairs backwards, so the feeling of falling and the fear of being unstable became deeply ingrained in me. Even after my years of movement retraining and the confidence my strength offers me, my fear has stuck.
While all of these thoughts raced through my head, I stood there and realized that I am stable. I am strong.
I have spent the past 20 years working on my balance and core stabilization. I watch Melanie’s movements and I can read them… I can see what she is doing, and I can feel how to do that in my own body.
I take my bike, ride up the hill, and decide that I’m going to give it a try. I’m pretty sure that this superman move is something I’ve done again and again on the Pilates Reformer. Only this time, I’ll be speeding down a hill. I start down the hill, and resolve myself to give it a try. I lean forward and send one leg back, then the other leg.
I pull myself into a swan extension that I’ve done a thousand times on the Pilates reformer. I think I can.
I hear myself say, “Melanie, am I doing it?” I hear Melanie say, “What?!? Are you kidding me? You’re doing it!”
She is yelling like crazy and I am laughing while zooming down the hill…and for the first time in many years, I feel fearlessly confident in my body and free.
“Do it again! I want a video!” Melanie’s words and laugh from that moment still rings in my ears. “It takes people YEARS to get up the nerve to do that! I cannot believe you just did that!!!” She kept going on and I laughed it off, but she continued to rave.
Then she said, “I don’t think you realize how cool that was.” Yet, that moment was much greater for me than she even realized.
I’ll be 48 in a few weeks. At 28, I thought I’d never live without pain yet 20 years later, I’m pain free and learning a new bike trick. Seems silly but it’s huge for me.
Later, when I watched the video, tears came into my eyes. Not because I was proud of myself but because I was shocked. I was shocked by my freedom of movement. I was shocked that I felt confident. I was shocked that I was going fast and unafraid.
I post this story along with this image to say that when I was 28, I was in the fetal position a lot, crying with pain. Here I am at 48, 20 years later, nailing this Superman trick on the first try.
I am thankful that I was given the chance to feel free in my body, to feel free from the pain and be free of the fears that come from being in pain. For this, I am eternally grateful—especially to those who healed me and taught me.
I’m thankful I could open my ears to hear my teachers, that I could let my ego step aside in order to learn, and that I had a safe space to practice all those years ago.
If you’re in good health, be thankful and take care of your body. Take care of your mind. Take care of your spirit.
Your health is a gift, so do preventative work to keep illness and injury at bay, do what you need to do to keep yourself whole. If you’re hurt, I hear you. Don’t give up. Keep searching for the practitioner who can support you and believe in you. Keep searching. They are out there.
May each of you move with ease and freedom. If I can help you in any way along your journey, reach out.
P.S. This little post is dedicated to Melanie Dorion. Thanks to Melanie for being an inspiration in so many ways. I’m sure a part of my freedom was knowing that she was there watching me and would support me if I flopped. Oh… and it helped that she’s a medical professional and would also know what to do if I hurt myself! Thankful for such a good friend.
🙏🙏
— Carla Shifflett